My oldest son is 15. He started high school this year, and every few days, I'd say, "Has the fawning begun?" And he'd give me updates. Why did I expect an onslaught of fawning? Straight up history.
Maybe it started way back in kindergarten; his nickname was "the mayor" because that's how he glad-handed and waved to the other kids, who were sometimes shouting his name out from afar, as we picked him up everyday. Basically, it never ended. There has always been Finn fawning.
But this past week he took it up a notch.
At his school there's a male pageant called Mr. [Insert Name of School Here]. 4 boys from each class get voted in. There's an early elimination round in which my son pretended to be an uber-hipster -- after his talk, he pull down a suspender strap and a la Zoolander, he gave the crowd some Blue Steel. That cut the pool in half. He was the only freshman left standing.
Note: There were three female judges -- wearing wigs of blond, red, green.
Finn's first question given him by the emcee was this, "If you could have any super power, what would it be?"
My son walked over to the judges, gazed at them and said in a raspy voice, "If I could have any super power in the world, I'd want to be able to stop time so I could spend an eternity with" And here he went silent and simply pointed at each of them - bam, bam, bam. He held the gaze and then gave up the mic.
The crowd lost it.
The other boys were asked weird questions -- a few of them were asked what they stored in their purses. This baffled them. One said, "Cookies?"
Then Finn was up again. His question, "If you could take one of the judges on a date which one would you choose" my son grips his chest in pain "and what would you do on the date?"
He takes the mic but can't speak. He shakes his head, sighs. It's too hard, Only one of them?
Finally he says, "Okay, which one of you likes me the least?"
The green wig says, "I don't know you."
He cocks his eyebrows. "Okay, green means go." For whatever reasons, this makes the crowd go wild.
He then explains how he'd show up in his yellow Mustang (or Corvette?) -- he grips the pretend wheel, straight-armed, and revs the imaginary gas. "I'd take you for a ride on a canopy road with the stars overhead." He looks up and gestures to the stars and then leans back into the mic and says to the green wig, passionately, "You can have the stars!" Again, the crowd goes nuts.
He then says he'd take her to a lake, for a picnic. "I'd whip out a picnic blanket," he swiftly turns to the other contestants, "That's what I'd have in MY purse." I think the crowd is now on their feet.
And then he says, "I'd serve some amazing milk steaks." The crowd goes quiet. Milk-steaks? He turns to them, a little annoyed. "Um, milk steaks are steaks marinated ... in ... milk." Ah, they get it.
He turns back to the green wig and says, "After we ate under the beautiful moon, reflected in the lake ... I'd reach up" and here, of course, he does reach up, "and pull down the moon!" He pulls that invisible moon to his heart and gazes at her, stepping closer. "So that it would shine on your beautiful green hair. And that ..." he whispers, "might just be enough ... for me."
Serious crowd mayhem.
Seniors took the top two spots. Finn, obvious crowd favorite, came in third. But the winner tweeted that Finn really deserved it.
An upper classman started trending #Finnsanity. I do believe the fawning has begun.
Need I hashtag this piece with a parental note? #we'rescrewed or #Godsaveus or #didhewatchtoomanyFreshPrincererunsasachild?
It's your pick.