Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Resolution? More Resolutions. More Resolve.

So if most New Year's Resolutions fade out in a month or two, a couple weeks, or, let's face it, never even really get much traction at all then I've got an idea...

My New Year's Resolution is along the lines of the person who gets three wishes and asks for unlimited wishes with the third wish. My Resolution is to resolve weekly. In other words, I want to back up every week, take a longer view, and decide if my resolve has failed and make a re-resolution or figure out what new resolve I need and make a new resolution.

I like resolutions. Maybe it's kind of Catholic of me -- it feels like it goes back to my uber Catholic middle school years when I chose my confirmation name, Joan of Arc (not just Joan, the whole thing). I've also heard that vows are quite Buddhist, and that in the Buddhist tradition if you break a vow, you simply recommit. Makes sense. More vows keep you focused -- more so than one broken resolution that, well, kinda gets you off the hook.

2011 was one of the most challenging years of my life -- in particular the second half.

Professionally? I've gotten to work with some of the most brilliant minds I've ever come across -- company so creative that, honestly, I don't know that I deserve to be in it.

Personally? It's been hard. Our family suffered a trauma -- from the outside in -- and it's taken us a while to feel safe again. Over the course of it, I miscarried. I have to say that we also felt an outpouring of love and support from our friends and family. One day, I might write about what happened. We got to see some ugliness in humanity but also incredible beauty and courage.

I said to Dave last night, "I think we feel freshly pistol whipped, but there's an adrenal rush that comes after getting beaten, right?" We've got adrenal, resolve to push forward. Last night, Dave dreamed of finding a multi-tiered waterfall off of a highway filled with outlet malls and fast-food chains -- he'd driven by it many times and just never noticed it before. There are things we need to see, but we need to look for them if we're to lay eyes on them. Eyes wide.

We're gearing up for big changes in 2012, again, personal ones. We're making resolutions first and foremost about how best to raise our kids -- in a sometimes brutal and cruel world; we're resolving to live by our convictions; we're resolving to be bold, professionally (so much I want to do visually, narratively, weirdly, fiercely... gloves off, literary handcuffs gone); and we resolve to have faith that we can't know the future, only seek to create the best possible one. To struggle toward it. Day by day. Resolution to resolution.

We resolve to have more resolve.