[It begins spammishly enough.] My Dear Friend,
My name is jennifer moorey, who is diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.
[Digging the weird I'm first person. No, I'm third vibe.]
To cut the long story short
[which is ALMOST an American saying],
I have few hours left to live
[THIS is a new one -- she's not an Algerian prince,
which is strange -- but she has a few hours left to live
and she's, well, writing me, her dear friend, instead of ... ],
depending on my surgery which will take place soon
[instead of writing her doctor to ask
when he's going to kill her in surgery
because, presumably, the surgery is to kill her, right?
She is sure she will die.]
Although I am rich, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
[That's not really a clear sentence structure
on my dear friend's part,
but should I nitpick when she's, you know,
on her death bed? Rude.]
I want God to be merciful to me
and accept my soul
and so with that reason
I decided to give what I have to charity and I never had children.
[You'd think that I, her dear friend,
would know she didn't have children.
It's kind of an after-thought here,
but, really, didn't we have drinks
about her decision not to have kids with Larry
who was an alcoholic and kind of not legally separated
from his second wife? Didn't I not send her
children birthday presents? I think I did not.]
I want this to be one of the last good deed on earth.
I now give you the authority to dispatch
my last funds to any charity of your choice.
[That's really nice. I'll give it to Grammar Awareness.]
I have Six million dollars in a financial institution.
[Dear friend, holy crap! How did THAT not come up
while you were drinking all those tequila shots
while discussing NOT having kids
and sticking me with the tab?]
I want you to keep fifty percent of this amount for yourself and time,
while you keep the other fifty percent to any charity of your choice.
[That kind of makes me an ass, really. 50%?
I mean, really, 15% seems more, well, classy.
I did hold your hair while you threw up tequila shots
so you know I've got a soul.]
May God be with you as you carry out this task.
I believe with this,
I can now be free to depart peacefully.
[Should I let Larry know?]
You can then contact my lawyer who will
assist you in getting the funds to you when I pass.
He would give you more details.
His name is Richard Wetton,
and his email address ...
He would guide you through receiving the funds.
[Good old Richard Wetton! That HOOT! What a sweetie.]
Lot of Love
[LotS, lotS! Damn it. Has the disease affected
your ability to type S's?]
[Oh, how you will be missed.]