Thursday, February 10, 2011

Fave Recent Spam Winner of the Fave Recent Spam Awards

[It begins spammishly enough.] My Dear Friend,

My name is jennifer moorey, who is diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.
[Digging the weird I'm first person. No, I'm third vibe.]
To cut the long story short
[which is ALMOST an American saying],
I have few hours left to live
[THIS is a new one -- she's not an Algerian prince,
which is strange -- but she has a few hours left to live
and she's, well,
writing me, her dear friend, instead of ... ],
depending on my surgery which
will take place soon
[instead of writing her doctor to ask
when he's going to kill her in surgery

because, presumably, the surgery is to kill her, right?
She is sure she will die.]
Although I am rich, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
[That's not really a clear sentence structure
on my
dear friend's part,
but should I nitpick when she's, you know,
on her death bed? Rude.]

I want God to be merciful to me
and accept my soul
and so with that reason
decided to give what I have to charity and I never had children.
[You'd think that I, her dear
would know she didn't have children.
It's kind of an after-thought here,
, really, didn't we have drinks
about her decision not to have kids with Larry
who was an alcoholic and kind of not legally separated
from his second wife? Didn't I not send her

children birthday presents? I think I did not.]
I want this to
be one of the last good deed on earth.
[DeedS, deedS!]

I now give you the authority to dispatch
my last funds to any charity of your choice.
[That's really nice. I'll give it to Grammar Awareness.]
I have Six million dollars in a financial institution.
[Dear friend, holy crap! How did THAT not
come up
while you were drinking all those tequila shots
while discussing NOT having kids

and sticking me with the tab?]
I want you to keep fifty
percent of this amount for yourself and time,
while you keep the other fifty
percent to any charity of your choice.
[That kind of makes me an ass, really. 50%?
I mean, really, 15%
seems more, well, classy.
I did hold your hair while you threw up tequila shots
so you know I've got a soul.]

May God be with you as you carry out this task.
[Who else?]
I believe with this,

I can now be free to depart peacefully.
[Should I let Larry know?]
You can then contact my lawyer who will

assist you in getting the funds to you when I pass.
He would give you more
His name is Richard Wetton,
and his email address ...
He would guide you through receiving the funds.

[Good old Richard Wetton! That HOOT! What a sweetie.]
Lot of Love
[LotS, lotS! Damn it. Has the disease affected
your ability to type S's?]

jennifer moorey
[Oh, how you will be missed.]