Sunday, January 31, 2010

Baby Scares Me.

I say to the 2 year old, "Hey, what do you want?"

"A ball. I need your head." He's pretty matter-of-fact.

This would make anyone uncomfortable, no?

Kid Quotage Update. PUT YOUR EYE OUT Vindication.

9 year old is doing an impersonation of a health teacher. "I'm multitasking," he says in a gruff Jersey accent, "smoking AND talking at the same time."

***

13 year old offers to beat up a kid who slugged his younger brother in the eye with an air-soft gun. "Just because he's part-Asian doesn't mean he's a Ninja."


***

After the air-soft gun shooting, I asked the 9 year old (with whom I've had many arguments about paint guns etc...), "Did it almost put your eye out?"

"No," he said. "It hit me in the eyebrow."

"How far is your eye from your eyebrow?"

"An inch."

"Did it almost put your eye out -- by an inch?"

"Yes, yes!" he ADMITS IT. "It almost put my eye out!"

OH MOTHERS OF THE AGES -- oh, Mothers of BOYS WITH STICKS and beebee guns and paint guns and archery sets and air soft guns -- vindication is ours, this day, oh mothers! Vindication is ours!

Um. Helloooo....

Yesterday, I looked at Dave and said, "Where did the beard come from?" Evidently, he's had a couple of weeks. I told the kids. "Your dad has a beard." "Huh," they said and they liked it. Me, too. But now I wonder, has the house been repainted? Has a new hotel gone up right next to my office? Is that our dog? -- What else have I missed?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Set Up.

So, my mother calls and launches into a story about how my father -- in an effort to save money -- once reverted to a "party phone line." This means that at some point in the late 70s, my family shared a phone line with the Cunninghams who lived down the street. We had a family of six -- and I think they might have had a family of ... 8?

In any case, my mother would pick up the phone and someone up there would be chatting away. We'd talk and they'd pick up. My mother said, "Your father! He really had a way with pinching pennies!"

At the time, my mother said this as if it were a good thing, as if my father possessed some rare talent -- circus worthy.

But later, as I'm telling my husband the story in bed, I realize that my mother was setting me up. Pinching pennies? That's not a rare talent. That's something that one would deride in a public forum if one were a writer and said person with said rare talent were the writer's father...

In other words, my mother was totally setting me up to tell a penny-pitching tale on my father ... in hopes of ... what?

The man is un-embarrass-able. He lacks the genetic coding.

And so here I am ... Who's having the tale told on whom?

I have no idea.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Baby Says -- Back off my chapstick!

So Dave tells me the 2 year old is eating Chapstick. They're out at an older kid's soccer practice -- ever the demoted life of the youngest of 4 -- and he says to Dave, "I eating my Chapstick!"

Dave says, "Don't eat Chapstick, man."

He says, "I'm teeeeasing!"

Moments later, Dave looks over and sees that the 2 year old's teeth are coated in Chapstick.

I suggest, "Maybe he has a different definition of 'I'm teasing.' Maybe to him it means, 'Back off! Can't a man eat his Chapstick in peace?'"

I'm flash-backing -- as I say this -- to all the odd and foul things he's told me recently that he's "teeeasing" about.

I shudder.